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Name: chelsea
Country: United States
State: New York
Metro: Long Island
Birthday: 11/12/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: i know God, and am working to REALLY know him and love him with everything that i am. i'm a twin, but anyone who knows me knows jill. i love people, every aspect of them. and i love working out, playing sports, playing and listening to music, and a good movie now and then (a good one, with a plot, lots of action and suspense is my favorite, with decent actors, and good friends to watch with). i'm not a picky person about anything, so try me...
Expertise: watching and knowing people, music, writing, being a doofball. since i'm so laid back, i guess you could say i'm a little bit of everything. what i hate? being lost and not having directions or goals.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  smileysir
Member Since:
8/31/2005
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| I’ve been struggling with words lately. Not simply words that I write, but words that I speak, and even words that I need to hear. When should something be said? And to whom? What is the wisest way to say something, and when is the wisest time? Is it profitable to speak every time that I feel led to say something, or are there times when some things should just be contemplated and kept in my heart? Is “leaving something unsaid” damaging, or is it best? These are random thoughts, and honestly, I DO know the answer to some of them.
The real issue that I’m struggling with is affirmation, and the necessity to give it out and receive it. I’m in a funny place in my life right now- I’m not sure where to go, where to look, where to walk, and I’m not sure how to sit still. I’ve just graduated college, and I feel useless. And in my uselessness, I feel restless. I just want to know what to do! I want to know what I CAN do, and I am tired of the silence I seem to get from the Lord.
I was sitting out in the sun today, and the questions flooded my mind and eyes again: What am I good for? What am I good at? What can I do and should I do? I’ve always been good at following directions, but where are they? Am I missing something? Why is it that I’m so directionless?
I found myself chiding my own heart, rebuking it for how human-bent it is. The need for affirmation and direction is truly human; if I really believed what God said about me in His word, would I still desire people to encourage me? Would becoming more dependent on the Lord make me more independent of human, emotional “needs?”
I cried to God, begging Him to take away these desires, to help my faith grow to a point where it was only His voice I would wait to hear. I want to know what He wants from me, and I want to know what He’s made me for.
I thought of the two types of pots that are in a house, the vessels that Christ calls useful and useless. One pot is used to hold what is valuable, the other pot is disposable. Then the thought hit me, and it might have been God, or it might have been me, I’m not sure which; either way, it hit a chord: Chels, are you willing to be a useless pot for the Lord?
I have to say yes, as much as my pride is shattered to be, yes.
I just want to know what that looks like.
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| i know... more than a month. too much to write about now, though, so i'll just give you one of two conversations i've written about... could be fiction, but could very well be fact....take it or leave it....
INTIMATE CONVERSATION II
Come here, little one. It’s been a while since you’ve ventured to my lap. You look tired, and your shoulders fall along with your eyes. Won’t you come sit with me for a while? Don’t shrug it off; you know I would love it! I know I can’t make you, but I will always offer. My arms are always open. Won’t you sit with me and rest? Take a burden off of your tired feet and let me hold you for a while.
There, I’m not going to drop you. I promise. You see, you don’t have to be scared of me. In fact, I don’t know why you would be. I’ve never let you slip before, and I won’t let you slip now. You can stop tensing up, small one, I won’t hurt you; you can trust my arms around you. Breathe, child, relax. I am here to hold you and to listen to whatever it is you would like to tell me. The way your eyes look, I can see there is a lot you could say. Come. Sit with me.
Not much for words right now, I can see. That’s ok. I don’t always need you to talk to me; I’m content to just sit with you and let you be near me. I just want time with you, like we used to spend! I can read your eyes, anyways. I know how to tell when you are tired, when you need an ear to listen to you, or when you simply need to “be.” I’ve watched you grow, watched you learn, and I’ve watched you change! I know you better than you might think, and I pay attention. I do! Won’t you rest for a while?
You know, I remember days when you would come to visit me all of the time! Do you remember? You would talk and talk, and you never wondered if I was listening or if I cared- you knew I did! You weren’t scared to laugh at yourself when you were embarrassed, or to cry when you were hurt or scared. You would place your head on my chest, and sit there for as long as you wanted. You never were rushed from my lap- and that will never change! I will never force you to say anything, I will never force you to get up and leave, no matter how old or wise you think you are.
You used to ask what I thought about situations in your life. You would get frustrated when I wouldn’t give you a clear answer. Oh my little one, you grew from those experiences though, and I knew you would! I answered you when you needed it. Sometimes it took you a while to realize I gave the best and only the best answer; it still takes you a while even now. You would trust me back then, and you will find that I have not changed.
I love hearing your heartbeat, and I hear those sighs that you think are only to yourself. Do you realize how much your sighs say? I can feel the heaviness; I can sense the weight of your soul. Tell me, precious one, what is weighing you down? Won’t you let me listen to your burdens again? Please, little child, come to me!
Are you crying? No, no! Don’t apologize! I would love to listen to the reason why you are! Oh daughter, why have you waited for so long? My lap has always been here for you to sit on, my shoulder always ready to catch your tears! Let them come now, while you are here! It’s safe! I am listening, and I love you more than you would understand! I would be honored if you would trust me with your cares! Come to me, love! Come!
I’ve watched you grow more and more weary- didn’t you hear me calling for you to come to me? But that doesn’t matter now, because you are near me! How my arms have ached to hold you, without having to fight your pride and your own self-sufficiency. I know you need rest, a strong embrace, someone to hold you tight enough so that you know you aren’t alone. My dear one, feel my arms around you now? They only stop being able to comfort when you stop letting them! I know you are heavy laden, both in your mind and heart. Let me hold you while you rest. Rest on me, you aren’t too heavy, and your burden isn’t too big. Trust me.
I have always promised to give you rest, the kind of rest that lets your soul breathe free and your heart skip its rhythm every now and then. For I understand what life throws at you, and I see the way frustration shakes you and tears melt your pillow at night. I am always right there, but you never come to me. Stop looking for stronger arms or a gentler touch- you won’t find them.
I know you are tired. I know you are weary. I know, child, I know. Let me help you, let me hold you. It’s ok to be weak, I won’t judge or condemn you. I want to give you rest. I want to hold you. Won’t you come to me?
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| I love Cynthia....
which is true, but i didn't write that, she did = )
well, guess what? i just got finished with my first day of work for the summer. i'm working in the kitchen at BBC, and it looks like it's going to be a great time! the crew is awesome, and i'm going to get to know a girl named Rachel Gasser very well. right now we're living together, though we might be able to get our own rooms once may school lets out. that would be phenominal! but if we don't, i think rachel and i will get along just fine.
the school year ended alright, with 4 major finals that i had to study my butt off for. i think i did ok on them, i don't think i aced any of them though. i had to keep reminding myself that the most important thing was that i had learned something, and i had. i learned a TON! in fact, this entire year has been one of growth and stretching, sometimes in places that i knew i had to grow in, and other times in places that i had NO IDEA i could be stretched so far without breaking.
this past semester was definitely the hardest one of classes so far,... i cannot wait until next year when i only have about 12 credits of undergrad school each semester- because the other 6 credits get to be gradschool stuff! YES! i'm so excited, i cannot wait to see what classes are being offered and what sort of things i'll be learning! i'm anxious to see what will happen with being an RA also. in case you missed that post, after a big web of questions and concerns and reservations and confidense running around in a knot, i was accepted to be an RA on Woolsey middle next year. i'm so psyched, i don't even know how to contain myself! we as a dorm met the new RD and her husband, lindsay and mike. i liked them, and i think that they'll fit with the dorm's atmosphere. it'll be cool to see what goes on next year, what kind of struggles we'll have, how the RA's will mesh. i think we'll be ok, but i think we'll all be forced to compromise and bend a bit. we'll all grow, that's for sure!
graduation was this past weekend. i got to work tech, but it was a piece of cake- i just had to wrap the big chord in a figure 8 at the front of the auditorium. yep, an easy 8 bucks an hour. = ) it was good that i got to watch people i've come to care about walk across the stage. i was so proud of them, i don't think people understand how connected with those sorts of emotions i get! when someone's done well, i get to the point of bubbling over cause i'm SO PROUD and SO EXCITED! the funny thing is, a lot of the time, i just smile and stay quiet but jumpy. i'm not excessively loud. but i was so proud of beth alt, jessica doane, drewper (angela drew, my RA), dena cambra,jacki wadkins, der der, 'H,' sherrill and others that graduated from both grad and undergrad. i was so proud of them... i will certainly miss those who are leaving the area. i'll miss them a lot...
God is faithful, for real... i know now more than ever that He is constant, no matter how many times i waver or even doubt. somehow, there's this voice inside that reminds me that He's there, that He sees, that's He's got whatever is going on in His hand. i have to trust Him, even when it hurts. there's been a consistant whisper in my ear this year: if God did this, are you ready to trust Him? and every time, many times through tears, but every time i have to say "yes, i will trust. i will..."
each time, i never regret it looking back.
i've seen so many things happen in relationships with me and other people, and also from sitting back and observing others' relationships. i've learned much about myself, much about people, and even more about the Lord. i will never get tired of learning.... i cannot wait till i know how to minister... | | |
| i promise... i know i;ve disappeared for the last several weeks, but i will update VERY soon.... sorry guys ~chelsea | | |
| ok, seriously, people in the world need to find a better way to use their money and a better way to entice kids with it... i just saw a little blurb on the opening of my home page that displayed a heading that read this:
"East Coast battled West for the $25, 000 title of quickest text message typist." you;ve gotta be kidding....
seriously now, what good is that? there's absolutely no significance or even praise in that type of contest! what is that kid gonna say? "well, when i was in middle school, i won the national text messaging contest! beat that!"
..............that just makes me sad.
it's no wonder, really, when we think about the communicational skills that are lacking in the generations as they come up, and sad to say, the downward spiral was started in my generation....
text messaging might just be the end of face-to-face conversations. no longer can someone pick up their phone and dial numbers to talk to someone vocally, they use their numbers as letters and send an abbriviated message that you have to learn another language just to decipher. what's so scary about another person's voice? or even worse, their EYES? why can we no longer hold interpersonal communication, as if that person was actually someone RELEVANT to our lives? heaven forbid we actually TAKE TIME and show someone that we care more about them than our time or our schedule or our own desires. (if you can't tell, i'm a little fired up) i'm not against texting completely, i realize it's not evil and i use it myself- and this whole rant applies to instant messaging, too. but when you can't wait to get out of class to hold a conversation (" i NEED to talk to that person now!"), or you can't take the time to actually dial their number, or even more, go see them personally, and risk being talked BACK at, then there's a serious breakdown in some vital areas of your mind.
maybe it's patience....
maybe it's consideration.....
maybe it's simply communication......
but man, my generation might just be the broken back of the coming years....i've said it before, i'll say it again:
i was born in the wrong century.... | | |
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